🙅♂️ Life is No
"No" is an essential word, and we say it implicitly more often than we think. That's a very good thing.
In this series, we're exploring life, specifically how we move through it as messy beings doing our darnedest to get things done.
So far, I've written about life being (too) fast and procedurally generated. Today, let's consider something a bit different:
Life is No.
Or more specifically, life is about saying no.
Let's get the axiomatic business and leadership advice out of the way, which is valuable but not intended to be the focus of this post. As usual, I want to dig deeper, looking at the surprising number of ways humans constantly use that tiny yet all important word. And no, I'm not just speaking to parents of young kids, who find themselves saying it a million times daily, seconded only by "Put. That. Down."
Say "No" to Be Productive
"No" is an essential word in the leader's tool kit. Let's briefly examine why.
Harvard professor and happiness guru Arthur C. Brookes identifies it as "the single most effective way to free up time and focus attention."
"No" also protects your most valuable resource: time. A famous investor quipped, "If you don't guard your time, people will steal it from you." Which is to say, "no" can serve as a necessary shield to guard what you are and what you are capable of. Getting comfortable saying it, then, seems wise.
"No" is also essential to focus. At an Apple conference way back in '97, Steve Jobs shared the oft quoted:
People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.
Folks pay attention to that quote because they hold Jobs as a icon of selectivity and taste, willing to boldly focus the vision and output of the company into a narrow quantity of products with eye catching design and functionality. If one were to look at Apple's expansive current product lineup, one may draw the conclusion that the ways of old have been abandoned...but I digress.
Say "No" to be Happy
It's not just about productivity (if it was, it wouldn't belong on this blog); it's also about increasing happiness and fulfillment. In the article linked above, Arthur C. Brooks talks about how build the practice of saying "no" can also make you happier and can dramatically change the quality of life.
This isn't the first time I've written about this angle. In 2024, I explored Oliver Burkeman's theory of not only saying no to clear space, but deriving joy from doing so. Burkeman suggests that resisting the urge to become ever more efficient can create genuine joy. We can find satisfaction as we relish our inability to do everything for everyone all of the time, which was never attainable in the first place.
Say "No" Because it Helps Others
One under-examined aspect of this powerful word is the value others derive when you say it.
Returning to that Brookes article, he writes, "Scholars have devised experiments to show that those who struggle to turn down requests from others typically overestimate the negative consequences of turning them down."
We beat ourselves up assuming that others are fixated on our audacity to turn down their request. But we likely should just remember that age-old rule: no one is thinking about you as much as you think they are. We are, at bottom, self-centered creatures, and when you say "no," in the vast majority of cases, folks just...move on. Unrequited love notwithstanding, of course, as The Hallmark Channel would like to make sure we remember. Big City Man pretended like he had moved on, but he never really stoped pining over Small Town Girl!
This extends naturally to the realm of people pleasing. In Burkeman's latest work, Meditations for Mortals (very worth the read), he writes, "people pleasing isn't even an especially effective way of pleasing other people," and "that very often, the best way to benefit others is to focus on doing your thing."
A tough, but important, lesson.
Say "No" 10,000 Times a Day
And here's the angle I'm particularly interested in lately: in a very real sense, life is a series of nos with intermittent yeses peppered in. Ya know, for flavor. You will definitionally say no to infinitely more things than you will say yes to, which is perhaps good news to those of us who think we struggle to turn things down. Great job, slugger, you're already doing it!
Consider for a moment the bazillion things you could do in this moment. Literally, stop for a moment and think about this.
No, really. Think about it. I'll wait.
I found that great gif for you, so you better have actually thought about it.
My guess is that you thought about big things you could do right now. "Instead of reading this blog, I should be doing that project, working out, completing these chores, reading that book, figuring out school pickup and drop off for tomorrow, contemplating how to save democracy, contacting my elected representatives to encourage them stand against corruption and take concrete action to defend our constitutional republic...etc."
But let's shrink the kids, honey, and get granular.
Right now, you could wiggle your toes. I don't know why you would be doing so without having read that last sentence, but for the vast majority of readers, it's something you could be doing. And I kinda like knowing that now you are either wiggling your toes or resisting the urge to do so.
You could blink your eyes, slowly or rapidly. You could see how long you could hold your breath. You could spontaneously belt out an operatic version of the Happy Birthday song, concerning your neighbors, or, better yet, your cubicle colleagues.
But you aren't doing any of that, are you? Implicitly or explicitly, you are declining to do any number of things right now. Intentionally or unintentionally, you've ruled out every other course of action for this precise moment and decided to be reading this instead.
I'm grateful for that, by the way, dear reader. I write for myself, to be sure, but also for you.
Over the course of a lifetime, it's fair to say you've said no at least 18 quintillion times (take that, No Man's Sky), and I find that notable.
We sometimes feel as if we have little control over what happens to us. And to be sure, it's all relative. Sometimes we do have comparatively less control. And some people are in a position to exert far more control over their actions, which can be a byproduct of any number of privileges or advantages.
But I find it refreshing, grounding, even, to think about all the things I'm currently saying no to. Even the small, granular things. For the big actions are never just a single thing, are they? Rather, they're a series of smaller actions, each of which presented its own set of yesses and nos. It's own ones and zeroes, computing into the end result.
If you want advice on how to say no more often, click around at the links above, which are chock-full of advice. For what it's worth, after years of reading on this topic, the only thing that's really stuck for me is the Burkemanian acceptance of my limited time on this earth and finite capacity to take action. It's a humbling realization, and with practice I've found that returning to it time and time again has led me to more intentional choices and a greater willingness to say "thank ya kindly, but no."
And if nothing else, I'll take solace in no-ing (heh heh) that I am declining by default infinite actions right now, like curling my toes.
If that just made you considering curling yet you're still resisting, just give in already! Live a little. At least I didn't bring up how long it's been since you swallowed.
Even if that just made you say yes to a big, satisfying gulp, don't despair: there's always the next thing to say no to coming around the corner.
No, Not Even a Little Bit,
Rye 🫡